Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Log In My Eye

I hope you don't read and judge. This is what it's like to be a Sinner, but grafted into Christ. I was complaining a lot this week....then I realized I've been suffering from some serious discontentment. Our lives are very full right now, and it's easy to look at how busy we are, and think, "We just need a break." When that break doesn't come, I harbor resentment. Towards whoever is (in my own mind) "making" me do these things I "don't have time for." Resentment that oversteps the Boundaries I've been reading about here. Truth is, I said, "Yes" to many of these things because I felt, at the time, that it was a good idea. Not a calling from God, necessarily, but.....a Good Decision. So, I did it. It's my "fault," so to speak. The resentment is out of place.

So, I'm busy, yes. But it isn't that which destroys my peace.

It's my weakness, my inability to manage everything well which destroys my peace. I fail to manage my time properly. I only see fractions of how I badly I mismanage my time. At the end of the day, in a fog of stress, I look back and see myself constantly having re-prioritized tasks during the day. My frustrations rise as I start 7 things, and finish none, because each new task seems more important than the last, which is why I quit in the middle and move onto the new one. Get ahead, get ahead, is my mantra.

The phrase, "The Tyranny of The Urgent" comes to mind. A voice in my head says, "This has to be done first because ____" and I obey.

So I lose my peace because of this constant failure to complete tasks, failure to succeed and move forward. Somewhere wrapped up in there is guilt. My parenting starts to be ruled by impatience, and the desire for my daughters to just "leave me alone so I can finish something." I am held fast in the grip of guilt--for not being an efficient worker, for not being a loving mother.

Way across on the other side of this Chasm, is what I want: I want to lead a life ruled by Worship for my Creator. I have no hope of bringing my children to know and love Christ if I just tell them about Him, and struggle with bitterness & resentment & turmoil & guilt. Why would they want to worship a Savior who lets His children live in such darkness?

Honest Question I ask daily: How do I peel off that earthly Self, close my ears to that Tyrant, and go into the inner chambers of the temple, worship, obey, and exemplify the Savior to the world on a daily basis, even while slightly busier than the average Mom?

Worship music? Bible reading? Prayer? Make lists? Schedules?

The closest I get to an answer to that is......tithing my time in the morning. My first moments awake, when I give them over to Christ, reading the bible, praying, singing....this is when I experience His Life in my day.

But not always. There are days when I start out with Scripture & prayer, some days even having slept well. Still, I stumble, trip, and plummet my way through the day, sending up flare prayers, "Please God, stop me" all day long.

You know what? I long for Heaven.

In church we sang, "Til all the ransomed Church of God be saved to sin no more!" I long with great longing for that day. The passion that arises in my bosom when singing those words is stronger than any I know.

Saved to sin no more.

And here I just ransomed. And wait.

1 comment:

  1. I am with you Sister! I have discovered that because I have so much to do, I need to commune with God (which I don't always do). Like Mary versus Martha. "She is doing the one thing needful".

    Having to remind myself (though you seem much busier than I right now)that I've entered into His rest. As you say, saved to sin no more. I get to choose to rest (from sin) and enter His arms of peace...even if the day is crazy busy.

    Saying this from personal experience...instead of feeling guilt, I can repent and be forgiven. It's Grace. And believe me, I needed much Grace yesterday!!